--THE DRAGON USER'S MANUAL--
Congratulations on your purchase/birthday gift/illicit acquisition/blood barter of a CanonFire Corporation D-800 Personal Defense Unit! The PDU, or "Dragon", was invented over a thousand years ago, and it has been a faithful slave of humanity for more than fifteen non-consecutive years. By incorporating the latest in mana-synthesis technologies, today's dragon is better-equipped than ever to improve your life and keep your home smelling dragon-fresh.
Chapter 1 - Getting Started
Before you hatch your dragon from its OviTec Dragon Egg, make sure you have all of the following items:
(1) OviTec Dragon Egg
(1) CanonFire Cosmic Reaction Codex® Headset
(1) CanonFire Slavemaker® Inhibitor Collar
(1) Melee weapon (your choice)
(1) Hexagonal crank
(1) Dragon medallion
When you are ready to hatch the OviTec Dragon Egg, insert the hexagonal crank (A) into hole (B) (see fig. 1) and turn it 135 degrees to reveal a circular depression (C) into which the Dragon medallion (D) will fit. With the Medallion in place, a crack (E) will appear in the egg's surface. This crack can be pried open with your melee weapon of choice.
Inside the egg is your new dragon (F) (see fig.2)! By default, your dragon is born in the shape of a human female, but this can easily be changed later (see Chapter 6, Your Ever-Changing Dragon). Once the egg is fully open, you have approximately seven seconds to place the Slavemaker® Inhibitor Collar around the dragon's neck. Failure to attach the Inhibitor Collar properly may result in your dragon becoming an uncontrollable avatar of devastation, which would constitute a void of warranty.
When your dragon awakens, it should acknowledge you as its Administrator. As Administrator, you have the privilege of giving your dragon a name. Here is a list of suggested dragon names:
-Ammo the Drag-Gun
-The Green Groper
Chapter 2 - What Your Dragon Can Do For You
Dragons are extremely versatile. Throughout the years, they have worked as soldiers, bodyguards, bookkeepers, manual laborers, thinkers, friends, and turbid lovers. In short, a dragon's uses are limited only by your imagination, and by the dragon's excruciatingly strict and multitudinous preprogrammed limitations.
As long as its Inhibitor Collar is on, a dragon must obey its Administrator's every command. Dragons are exceptionally intelligent and can follow most orders. However, it is best that your orders contain as many parameters as possible. For example, if you were to ask your dragon to bring you candy, it would locate the nearest source of candy and acquire it for you with brazen disregard for laws and human life (see fig.3). By making your command more parametric, such as by asking your dragon to buy you a Chocomire bar from the local DrugStop with the money in your dryer's lint trap, you can significantly reduce the number of casualties.
Dragons have tremendous strength and are well-suited to physical tasks. With a bit of training, a dragon can perform all manner of common household chores, such as:
-Laying train tracks
-Doing barrel rolls
-Protecting gold and/or jewels
-Burninating the countryside and/or peasants
-Devouring unneeded pets and/or relatives
-Bench-pressing large woodland creatures
If needed, a dragon can also engage in more intellectual pursuits:
-Confounding the elderly
-Scathingly cynical meta-humor
-Public and private ridicule
Depending on the particular model, your dragon can also use a wide array of Cosmic Reactions (or "magic spells" if you want to be pedantic) for combat, for work, and for your own entertainment. An ice dragon, for example, can create frozen platforms to help you obtain otherwise hard-to-reach items such as the Spazer Beam or Varia Suit. A fire dragon can melt things into other things in order to make new things, such as melting breakfast into lunch to create CanonFire-brand BreakFlunch®.
Chapter 6 - Your Ever-Changing Dragon
At this point, your dragon is still in the shape of a human female. You are probably wondering "is my dragon broken?" What the HELL is wrong with you?! Your dragon is functioning properly; it is merely in Power-Save Mode. This mode, otherwise known as its "human form", is the shape a dragon will wear for more than 99.9% of its operational lifespan.
However, dragons are skilled at altering their appearance. If your dragon's human form doesn't flutter your putter, you can change it just by describing to the dragon what it should be. As your dragon will spend a lot of time following you, protecting you, and possibly drinking your pee, we recommend that you first ask your dragon to be the gender opposite of yours. When altering more specific features of your dragon's human form, be sure to be as descriptive as possible; some examples include "chiseled abs", "gargantuan gams", "crooked granny teeth", and "rock-hard, monolithic pork piston".
But enough about the human form. A dragon's true power can only be revealed upon transformation into its dragon form, or by some kind of ear-mounted powerlevel scouter, a device too ridiculous to imagine. Before your dragon can transform, you will need to assign it a special keyword or phrase that you can shout dramatically in order to initiate the transformation. Here are some recommended activation keys:
-GATTAI DA! (useful only for Fusion-type dragons)
-Go, Go, Gadget Dragon!
-Spicy Bourbon Chicken!
-QUAKE! WITH! FEAAAAARRRRR!
When your dragon has successfully transformed, its strength, speed, endurance, and magic power will increase tremendously, and it will also be able to fly. However, its mana consumption will increase accordingly, and your dragon will be forced to return to Power-Save Mode before long. It is recommended that your dragon use its dragon form only for intense battles or to earn points in dragon-related debates.
Chapter 11 - Dragon Anatomy
Your dragon is made up of several pieces, but there are really only a few that you might have to lose any sleep over.
-The Cosmic Reaction Codex® Headset. Originally developed by the CanonFire Corporation as a portable database of epic poetry, the CRC Headset can be thought of as a magic spellbook linked directly to the user's brain. Even though your dragon has about a gazillion gigs of RAM, it cannot store by itself all of the information needed to be an ace spellcaster. Therefore, whenever your dragon needs to cast a magic spell, the CRC Headset activates and takes control of the dragon just long enough to make them cast the spell flawlessly. IMPORTANT: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO USE THE HEADSET YOURSELF. This may result in crippling brain damage, skin failure, and loss of fashion sense.
-The Slavemaker® Inhibitor Collar. Originally developed by the CanonFire Corporation to make stage hypnosis a lot less corny, the Slavemaker Collar is the only thing keeping your dragon from tearing your head off and making it into a pudding-bowl, unless you have somehow wound up with one of the rare dragons that has a naturally agreeable disposition (see Chapter 24, Troubleshooting). As long as it wears the durable, water-resistant Collar, your dragon is incapable of disobeying you, physically harming you, tarnishing your name with scandalous allegations, selling your phone number to telemarketers, or removing the collar. IMPORTANT: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO WEAR THE COLLAR YOURSELF. This may result in you becoming the mind-controlled puppet of a vengeful dragon, which could in turn cause tense hostage situations, public embarrassment, and a void of warranty.
-The dragon's heart. Unlike the human heart, the dragon heart is neither a fragile, fickle thing nor a pear-shaped structure the size of a fist. The dragon's heart typically manifests as a large gemstone worn externally, most often on the upper chest, but sometimes on the back, and other places we'd rather not mention. The dragon's heart is the source of its power, and as such it should be well-protected. IMPORTANT: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STEAL, KICKSTART, PHUNK WITH, OR PLAY GAMES WITH YOUR DRAGON'S HEART. This may result in the heart becoming achy breaky.
-The dragon's wings (Dragon Form Only). Dragons fly by use of Patagia Heavy Industries Antigravity Pinions and either one or two mana-powered thrusters. If your dragon flies often, be sure to clean out its thrusters regularly with a moist towelette, or they may become clogged with grime, mana residue, and endangered birds.
-The dragon's armaments (Dragon Form Only). Dragons are biomechanical beings and feature multiple hardpoints on which to mount any of hundreds of untested and unconscionably dangerous weapons, available in our quarterly catalog, "Untested Unconscionably Dangerous Weapons and Fine Pewter Figurines". Installing new weapons is fun and easy and will often increase your dragon's affection level, unless you give it a pussy weapon like a tickle blaster, lamentation grenades, or the infamous Honeydripper®.
-The dragon's tail (Dragon Form Only). The dragon's tail is very strong and well-articulated and can be used as a sort of third arm, or as an additional hardpoint for weapons. IMPORTANT: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO USE THE DRAGON'S TAIL AS A MASTURBATORY AID. I really shouldn't have to explain this to you people.
Chapter 24 - Troubleshooting
Problem #1: "My dragon will not respond to my voice."
Solution: First, make sure that the Slavemaker® Inhibitor Collar is properly secured around the dragon's neck. If your dragon still will not respond to you, make sure that it is not deaf. To accomplish this, ask if it is deaf. If it says no, then it is not deaf and should be functioning properly. If it does not respond, then it is deaf. If it says yes, then it is either deaf or a damn dirty liar. Please contact the Service Center (1-800-SCREW-YU) within 90 days of purchase and we may replace the defective dragon. While waiting for your replacement to arrive, we recommend you build a temporary dragon-shaped wooden structure to fill the void.
Problem #2: "My dragon will not cast spells."
Solution: First, make sure that the Cosmic Reaction Codex® Headset is properly secured to the dragon's head. If your dragon still will not cast spells, it is possible that it does not have enough confidence as a wizard. You may wish to purchase a CanonFire Inflatable Training Wand®, available from our online store. After your dragon has performed several spells with the Training Wand, quickly take it away from them and explain that you just realized the wand was not fully inflated and thus, useless. The dragon will swell with pride to know that it successfully used magic without the help of anything but its highly-advanced spellcasting headset.
Problem #3: "My dragon does things for me without being asked."
Solution: It sounds like your dragon has a naturally agreeable disposition and genuinely wants to serve you out of some gross mockery of love. If you notice your dragon giving you birthday presents, or praising you non-sarcastically, or addressing you with speech bubbles full of little cartoon hearts, please contact the Service Center within 90 days of purchase and we will gladly destroy your defective dragon.
Problem #4: "I gave my dragon some alfalfa pellets to eat, but it shows no interest in them."
Solution: As godless artificial constructs, dragons do not need to eat or drink to survive. However, they are still perfectly capable of ingesting almost anything; this will help you in the event that you are trapped in a life-or-death crisis where the only hope of survival is to prove to your insectoid, multi-breasted captors that your dragon really likes "them brownies with the li'l garlic cloves stuck in 'em." If for some bizarre reason you want to give your dragon food that it will like, you can feed it high-level Dry Poffins to increase both its affection level and its Beauty condition.
Problem #5: "My dragon is really, really gay."
Solution: It is normal for a dragon to display affection toward humans and dragons of any gender, but that affection should always be accompanied by an air of contemptuous resignation. If your dragon exhibits suspicious levels of eagerness around beings of the same gender, first make sure that the dragon is not merely demonstrating platonic love or a twisted form of respect. If you still believe that your dragon may be a clamlicker and/or turdburglar, firmly command it to stop being gay. If this fails, please contact the Service Center.
Problem #6: "My dragon will not talk; it only makes funny roaring and growling noises. It spends all day lying around in the sun and occasionally it eats a hyena."
Solution: What you have is not a dragon but a lion. We recommend you get in the car.